First off. It is Christmas eve. I am in the same spot I was a year ago this time. It eats me from the inside out. I don't know what to do with my life nor what I should be doing. A lot of things have happend in the past year to make this one of the "wonder years." By wonder years, I mean that it is a wonder I made it through. I am nearly 20 and have nothing to show for it. I have no special skills. I find my self physically neglected. While this can be confusing I mean that I have neglected my body to the point of disrepair. I would love to report something good has happened in the past year, however that is not the case.
I moved away from my parents in Feburary. In doing so I had to tell a friend he could no longer crash with me. This was not an issue for I was quite tired of my generosity being taken as weakness. I will go to the end of the Earth for someone once they earn my respect and friendship, however, I can only take so much before I become an emotional wreck and lose control of my tounge. Fastforward through melodramatic issues with that friend. I then moved in with my grandmother. Not a big deal she has always treated me right. While living with her I managed to gain employment for 4 months at a time twice. Both employers treated me very poorly and have made it so I have a huge anxiety attack just looking for a job online. CURSE THIS WEAKNESS. I have nervous breakdowns at the drop of a hat now. My life is a downward spiral.
PART I
I hate my current "best-friend." Yes it is the same friend that pushed me to the utter brink a year ago. My need to be accepted outwaeighs my need to stand up to him and tell me that he is a selfish bum who needs to stop feeling like he is entitled to every little thing he needs. JC you have mistreated me and hurt me. I play Leauge with this man nearly every chance I get. I love the game but the very way he talks to me enrages me. I have no problem having a conversation with someone and telling them that they hurt me or that I feel mistreated. If you personally know me you know I am quite open with my feelings. But JC... I gave you a home when no one else would. I picked you up when you called me crying. You are not the strongest of men. In my eyes you play a game with everyone you meet and that is not honorable. The way you will talk about an ex that I still care about immensly as an object of your never ending sexquest makes me want to beat you to a pulp. You don't care what I have to say. I REFUSE TO GIVE UP ON A FRIEND. For this very reason I will be here until you completly decide you do not want me anymore. This day approaches every time you talk to me like a dog and not a man. I love you but you show that blood is thicker than water, and the best intentions are lost in selfish quest for fullfilment.
PART II
I broke up with what may very well be the only chace I ever had at a stable and caring girlfriend. GET READY FOR A SHITSTORM. I met her a little over 3 years ago. We shall call her Dora for this post's sake. Dora was easily a 7 on my scale. I know to others she was a 4. I don't care. She was a great person for me. She always knew how to make me happy, for the first 6 months that is. As many highschool relationships we had a lot of breaks. That is important because everytime I broke up with her. May this have been to spare her from a breakdown or because I could not emotionally comprehend where we were at the time, I don't know.
Everything went great. I wanted to spend time with her and I felt a mutual attraction from her. There came a point where I was going to break things off with her because of some personal issues with my family I was having at the time. However, as I began the conversation of going our seperate ways, she decided she wanted to tell me that she wanted me to take her virginity. I was 18 man. I didn't know what to do. In my mind I knew she was not emotionally ready for that kind of commitment or action. I told her that I didn't think I WAS READY. I told her we should take it slow and see what happens a week ago we had the difficult conversation of I am sorry this happened. This conversation would have been fine, had it not been infront of her youth pastor the same night. A week later she tells me she would like me to talk to her PASTOR father about it. I would have nothing of it. THIS IS ONE OF MY MOST COWARDLY AND SHAMEFUL MOMENTS. I told her that I would not talk to her father and that I needed time away from her. This proved to be a mistake. I lost her that night. More then I would ever fathom.
Fastforward 4months of me beging to get her back. She comes back to me and tells me this time it is it. This is my last chance. I gladly accept. However, things are different now. IT was almost like you could smell it in the air like a coming rain storm. We never had any physical contact after that. Don't get me wrong, I am not a sex driven animal, I just need to have some physical actions done (such as holding hands whenever possible cute kisses etc.) It ate away at me. Whenever I tried to talk to Dora about it it would not go the way I wanted it to. "I wish we kissed more" came out as "we never ever kiss DO YOU NOT FIND ME PRETTY DORA?" I think the world of Dora but my own insecurity cost me the greatest relationship I think I could ever have. I love her so much but due to the way I see myself I cannot see why she would even find me attractive adding to the intimancy issue I thought I had with her BUT I HAD IT WITH MY SELF.
She told me that she was moving out of state last month. Due to some bad advice and over thinking on my part I decided we would part ways. I knew it was a mistake almost immediatly but due to my nervous breakdowns becoming near daily at this point I was unable to fix the sitiuation I single hadedly caused. I want nothing more but to make her happy and if that means I have to stop beating a dead horse I WILL. I since have made it known that I want nothing but her. She has yet to relay the same feelings. Dora I love you and this distance is killing me. I am willing to man up and GO THE DISTANCE for you. Why can't you see that.
PART III
If you are looking for any sanctuary from the fright fest above it will come in the events from the past month. I recently returned to living with my parents in my home town. With my home town came the truest friend I have ever know. He is on his mission now so I don't have an issue using his real name. Maybe one day he will read this and it will give him a better understanding into the decisions I have made. Dylan Boren, has been the one true friend I have ever had. Always there for me, never to far out of reach. Put me up when I had no where else to go. Talked to me whenever I needed it. Would always go to shows with me no matter what. Most of all, THE MOST INFLUENCIAL PERSON I HAVE EVER MET. He would never let me say it, but without him I would not of made it to twenty. He doesn't know how many times I pulled myself off the floor to call him or walk to his house. Nights I would drive to see Dora and she would deny my attention so I would call him instead of driving home 50+ miles in the middle of the night. I know it sounds like I have lost Dylan. However at this time it is quite the contrary. He has saved me.
Dylan left on his mission last week. It was such a bittersweet departure for me. I knew it would happen but I never knew it would strike so close to home. Make me want for what he has so much. A clear testamony of Jesus Christ. I always said I would go on that mission. I am now in a place which makes it so I can not do this. Dylan's departure made me realize that I need to change, and I will. A dear friend gave 2 years to spread the word of god. I can at least let him know he has already touched one soul. I will miss him dearly but I hope to suprise him with my own renewed testamony on his return.
So world, as I sit here, nearly in tears writting as my soul collapses from lack of sleep and good feelings I let you know: I will be alright. With the power of god all things are possible and I know that heavenly father will have my back when no one else does. I will find a way to win back Dora and Dylan will return. I WILL STAND STEADFAST AND IMOVABLE.
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