Broken Ambitions

So I always had the biggest drive to sing my heart out every chance I got but when I went to tryout for Honor Choir in elementry school I was told I should never sing again... Talk about a boner kill. I still try from time to time but I know that once again my brother recieved a blessing that remained absent to me...

What do you do when you have been told your whole life that you cant do something you would love to do for an eternity? Like last year I was kicked out of my News Publication class in highschool. Sure stuff like that happens all the time but I really wanted to write for the rest of my life. I even considered going to collage for it. That is why I stoped writting this silly blog that no one reads because I lost all heart...

So am I still waiting for this world to stop hating, cant find a good reason cant find hope to believe in. So true this world is just so full of hate. Even when someone can be perfectly happy someone is just waiting ot tear them down and tell them they arn't doing anything right.

I know this is really random and shows no merrit at all but that is not the point of my words... I just feel that I lost everything dear to me in such a little time and realized that maybe everyone that calles me "Worthless" is actually right. I can't really do much in this world to show any worth but then again isn't that our world? Survival of the fittest may be blunt and one sided but it is so true. Maybe not in the strength sense of the word but just that those who are mentally and well socially fit are just going to have an easier time...

So in relation to those people around me... I don't really have any problems with anyone as long as they leave me be or befriend me. I am some what of a socialtarian. Its all I live on. Id much rather be around people then without them but there are always going to be those times where I just want the roads to be coated in the blood of those who anger me. Don't get me wrong I am not a vengeful or homicidal person. I don't want to really hurt anyone at all but sometimes I feel like people don't understand what they do to others and how much pain they can really cause...

Because I cannot even remember what I started this post with I am just going to end it with some lyrics from a great song...

Everybody's got their problems (problems).
Everbody says the same thing to you.
It's just a matter of how you solve them (solve them),
And knowing how to change the things you've been through.
I feel I've come to realize
How fast life can be compromised.
Step back to see what's going on.
I can't believe this happened to you...
This happened to you...

With you....

So the other day I was hanging out with some of the best guys I have ever met and I had the facade of the strongest built up to live up to the reputation of a year past... Then a song came on and it rocked me to my very heart... If we broke up on good terms why do I miss you so much and always wish we were together and know that my life would be so much better with you but now your out of my life... I wish you were still here. Everything that I ever did with you was out of love and I meant every word and action... I remember every little thing that ever happened between us. My Sophmore year changed my life forever and so did you...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8z-qP34-1Y

Me and the Bro's

So when I make it big and I am in an interview I know how I will answer "what was the weirdest show ever," question. It was most deffinatly the Colleen Cloudus show of six haha. It was a good time and we just played good enough to earn the 50$. AKA we performed like shit again. We never sound good outside of practice. I am not down at all though I feel like I had fun and thats all that matters. Talia is my cute little angel always there to pick me up and thats all I need. I have a new saying... "Seconds from the end, what's it going to be? Pull the trigger bitch." Just kidding. Not with HER in my life, It's "No Fear." :D

SLfuckingC

So been talking about a road trip down to play a show in SLC. That would be fun but we need to focus on getting our setlist expanded before then. I love the guys in my band but they don't show the same drive I need them to. Brandon is my one hope but we don't see eye to eye on a lot of things but damn do we make sweet music.

Speaking of sweet things. My girlfriend is beyond the best thing that has ever happened to me. She has no idea how alive she makes me feel. I don't know haha one day I go from being a manwhore to not ever wanting to look at another girl again. Funny how it works :D. We were meant to be here ya know. She is the cutest thing she makes my day every day and she can brighten my day just when she says bye. :D

Song of the day

Song of the day; Good Bye Were Falling Fast by: Aiden

Your pretty face disguised
In a veil of fear(veil of fear)
Drip with tears
As I gave you one last
Kiss before the fall (before the fall)
Hold my hand you're so beautiful
Let's escape from this life and end it all
On three we're jumping from this ledge
This buildings tall
I'm sure we'll wake up dead
But I still love her

Say goodbye
Say goodbye
Yeah we're falling fast
But I'll live forever
Say goodbye
say goodbye

A picture perfect attempt at
A quick and painless death
Came and meant
Something so much more
Than all the rest (than all the rest)
Hold my hand and don't forget to breathe
There's nothing left for you
There's nothing left to leave
On three we're jumping from this ledge
This buildings tall
I'm sure we'll wake up dead
But I still love her

Say goodbye
say goodbye
Yeah we're falling fast
I'll live forever
Say goodbye
Say goodbye
Yeah we'll make it last

With these moments we hold dear
(inside my heart)
And the seconds we have left
(inside my heart)
I know you're here inside my heart [2x]

Hold your hand with mine
In this picture perfect light
There's one last chance for us
Tonight
I hold your hand with mine
So everything is fine
So say goodbye now say goodbye
Tonight

Say goodbye
Say goodbye
Yeah we're falling fast
But I'll live forever
Say goodbye
Say goodbye
Yeah we'll make it last
But I'll live forever
Say goodbye
Say goodbye
Yeah we're falling fast
I'll live forever
Say goodbye
Say goodbye


She is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

You tell me that you need me then you go and cut me down.

It's too late. It's too late to have the perfect relationship with my parents. The perfect disney childhood. I have been deprived of it all. When I was a kid I remember I had a friend over and my dad went on a rage and threw a recliner at me... I got in a lot of fights when I was younger. I have come so close to killing my younger brother so many times. I have taken anger managment. Nothing will ever seal up the scars on my heart. Why the fuck... do. I. Keep. Talking. About. This. Heart. I am not supposed to have one.
I once thought of the world as if we were just toys... and that some little red headed bitch (I used to have a thing for red headed bitch's) was running everything. I would loose control and beat the living shit out of my best friends... I was that kid. I hate how much I care anymore. It's like I went from being the unstopible juggernaught to well, Larry The Cucumber... I am a bitch and the one thing keeping me sane are the random girls that seem to appear... shit guess there is a god... But then again I just made a cross referance between X-Men and Veggitales... I am going to hell.

Have Faith In Me

Another long night up. Rape on the mind. Mind-rape? I wish...  When things fall apart who is left to pick them up when the strongest of us has fallen only minutes before? Have faith in me. I try to be strong... I know that some people rely on my smile at school and I always get worried txt's when I am not in class. It makes me feel important but at the same time I know people use me only as a crutch... a TOOL for standing because you are too WEAK... on your own. I know I am a hypocrit for saying that but it is true. Just like a rope bride in an Indiana Jones movie, I can only hold so many men, horses, jeeps, and tanks, before the bridge snaps and I send everyone to hell.
Just because you close your eyes doesn't mean the world disapears... Nothing means more to me then a hand in the dark clenched in mine. Even if it is JJ and he is wetting his pants nothing means more to me then the support that is so often lacking in my life. Thanks TM... I am sorry I have been dumping so much on you lately you just seem to be such a great person. There are alot of things I want to do. I want to be able to control a whole crowd with my mic... I want to write lyrics that noone can resist chanting... Live Love Burn Die.

Jelousy

There is this little bug that I have always had and I can not think of a single day that I have gone without it. Nothing about highschool is fair. Having a girlfriend you love torn from you because a "friend" capatalizes on a fight with her, Being overlooked in a sport. Not being noticed by the girls you actually like but haveing an uncanny ability to have three girls instantly in love with you at once. I hate it. I hate every second of my womanizing existance. I hate how I can't bring my selft to hurt a girl that longs to be with me so bad. I haven't the courage to tell them there is someone else. I don't have the heart to hurt d again. I don't have the mental capacity or temperment to put up with s's shit anymore nor do I wish too. I don't have the labeto to give w, what she wants and frankly I DON'T WANT TO FUCK YOU.
It makes me wish it was freshmen year again. I was still so pure, so full of innocent "puppy love." Those were the days eh? Just kicking it with the blonde beauty. Hell we only kissed a few times but I would trade every fucking fuck just to go back and be with her again even if it ended the same exact fucked up way. Hell is a teenage girl. How ironic that that song is by a band named FRESHMEN YEAR. Everybody says that their senior year was supposed to be the shit. Horse shit. I hate seeing every girl I ever had any connection with at all float away on the wings of happiness when I am stuck in the same place as always typing my heart out about my past loves and losses.

Love

I once attempted to kill my self in a closet. I was talking to my very bestfriend I have ever had. She did something that no one else has ever done for me. She simply said she loved me and that she would do the same if I did... It made me stop. It made me cry because I could not see her even cry. I broke up with her a week later because she deserved so much better than me.
Its been about a year now but I'll never forget the long nights we spent on the phone, the tears you made me shed just because of the day you had. The things we know about eachother that no one will ever know. The things that remind us of each other. I will never forget the impact you made on my life. I love you more than anyone will ever know... But things have changed and we both know it.
You’re not the person that I knew back then
It’s all too late to set things straight cause
everything has been
You’re not the person that I knew back then
Lets try and act like this didn’t happen
Follow your friends like you ever had them
I try talking to you at times but I know my words will always reach the deafest of ears. I leave your pictures on my myspace as just a reminder of how much I had at one time. You were my rock and now your gone and my whole world has collapsed. I'll never love anyone ever again.

Respect

In my life many things are important to me. Above all else is respect. I try my best to respect everyone I meet. Even if they have done something wrong to me I still try to do my best to give them a chance. The place I find it hardest to earn respect is in music.
I share the limelight with another yet no one respects either of us. In our band, our scene, our school, or our lives. We may not be the best vocalists in the world but we work hard and write hard. We put forth the effort and even put time aside from busy senior scheduals, but does the world care, no. Is it so bad that we do it all on our own? We don't use auto-tune. We don't act like we know what we are doing, we just do our best and try to please others. All I want is one of those hardcore fucks to come up to me after a show and tell me, even if it is in their condesending bullshit tone, "Zisk, you did alright." Is that too much to ask for? I just want to know I am not putting everything aside for nothing.